Funny Stories from Teaching: Year 7 Edition

I am going back to work tomorrow after 16 days off.  I am writing this because I need something cathartic because I am seriously freaking out about going back tomorrow.  Before you jump on the "must be nice to be a teacher and get 16 days off" band wagon, remember that the glorious apocalypse you read below is my day to day job.

And let the stories begin:

1.   Kindergartners are clueless beings on the first day of school.  As one of my friends put it, managing kindergartners is like lassoing llamas.  The kindergartners are all walking (stumbling?) down the hall in a (somewhat) line and one girl is swinging her arms around.  The kindergarten teacher tells the student "Give your self a hug" (a clever mantra to trick kindergartners to keep their hands to themselves) and she is confused.  I lean down and try and show her "Look...give yourself a hug" and I demonstrate.  She looks around, still confused, and then turns to me and gives me a giant hug. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaadorable!

2.  Apparently one of my 1st graders thinks there is a TV in my ceiling.  He stared at it for like 2 minutes but then stopped.  Probably nothing good on.

3.  A middle school talking to me:  "You seem like....yeah...like one of those cool...y'know...hip guys...y'know you got your beard...and you probably like jazz music...and Shakespeare...and stuff..."

4.  I was reading kindergartners a Pete the Cat book (if you don't know Pete the Cat, get hip man!) and there was a song I had to sing.  One of the times, I decided to do a heavy metal version and make the horns with my thumb and pinky.  Since kindergartners are the most social beings on the planet and will follow along with whatever anyone else is doing, I had a whole class of 4-5 year olds doing the heavy metal sign in the air in seconds.  Picture that.

5.  I saw a kid roaring in another kid's face and farting at the same time.  Yup.

6.  Watching kids dance to music is seriously the best.  I can't even describe how amazing it is to just put on something and just watch.  Sincerely joyous and hilarious.

7.  As a more thoughtful side note, elementary schoolers are a very interesting beast compared to middle and high schoolers.  They are super open minded and willing to do just about anything you ask, but they are also really bad at change.  Consistency is what they desperately need, even if they don't think they need it.

8.  A 2nd grader stands up in the middle of class, completely unprompted:  "Primo Perfecto!" and kisses his fingertips and releases them from his lips.  He sits back down.  I ask him, "What was that?"  He says, "Oh, I'm a chef."  

9.  An absolutely beautiful moment.  A 2nd grade student asked if I knew the song Blackbird.  I started flipping out because OF COURSE I know Blackbird!  I got out my trumpet and started playing it.  Her and another student across the room began singing the song.  The one student started to tear up.  I got done playing and just looked at both students and smiled.  Oh yeah, this is why I teach right?

10.  A 5th grade student requested that I play the song "All of Me" by John Legend on my trumpet.  As I'm just about to play my first note, another student starts belting the song at the top of his lungs.  The whole class turns to the student and loses it, laughing at the fact that this kid totally stole my thunder.  I stop.  I wait until everything subsides.  I turn to the student.  "Hey man.  It's all of me, not all of you."  Boom.  

11.  Just finished reading a kindergarten book to the whole class.  

"Ok class, so what was this story about?"  

First hand: "I forgot."  

Second hand:  "I want to share my toys at home with...*he looks wide eyed around the entire room*...everyone in this class!"  

Okkkkkay.

Third hand:  "I forgot."

12.  A kindergartner (noticing a pattern here?) shows up on like the 3rd week of school.  I was just kind of like whatever....until another kid mentioned he just showed up because he was in Africa.  I stop the entire class to ask the kid if this is true.  He nods.  I tell him, "I'm really curious...what is Africa like because I've never been?"  His eyes get wide.  "Africa...is......amazing!  There is so much food.  Like SO...MUCH...FOOD.  And there is A/C.  And cheese balls.  Oh man there are cheese balls."  Yup, totally my image of Africa thx kid.

13.  Completely out of the blue during a movement activity around the room, a 1st grader:  "Say hello to my little frieeeeeeeeeeeends!"  Hearing Scarface come out in a squeaky little voice is an experience to be had, my friends.

14.  A (very, very, very, very, very) interesting 1st grader comes up to me.  

"Mr. Jarema, I feel sick."

"What hurts?"

"My throat."

"Well, I don't know if there is anything we can do about that right now.  Just have a seat."

"But it really hurts."

"I know buddy.  It will be ok.  Have a seat."

"I think I have strep throat."

"Well, we don't know.  So just have a seat for now."  

"The last time I had strep throat, I cured it by drinking gasoline."

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh say what?

(Editor's note:  Rest assured, this incident was reported to the classroom teacher)

15.  Trumpet players out there:  If you have one of those stone-lined cup mutes, my 1st graders would like to let you know that you can turn your trumpet into Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer by using this mute.  Non-trumpet players, see this link for a picture of not me playing this kind of mute to see what they mean.  Seriously, I swear that is not me.  My mustache is not that good.

16.  A serious note here.  A kindergartner was acting out and being a huge jerk to all of the other students in class.  Like, really awful.  I had him leave for 10 minutes and sit in the hallway.  Once I had a free moment, I went to talk to him for a bit.  After just asking him one question, he starts spouting off how he is worried because he lost one of the toys that his dad got him and his dad lives in Tennessee now and he barely sees his dad and he is really upset over his parents divorce.  Damn, it is easy to forget that there is always something behind the behavior.  And even more so, it broke me that a kindergartner can already be so hyper aware of how something like a divorce can really mess with the stability of his own life.

17.  The 3rd grade students are doing a PowerPoint project where they have to make a bunch of slides telling the class about themselves.  One of the slides is "My Favorite People."  Most of the kids are listing the names of all their friends.  I glance over at one kid's screen:  "My favorite people are angels.  And god."  Kinda cute, right?  (Atheist friends, shut your face and absorb this cuteness for just a second)

18.  Just so you know...whenever I play a video of string players for my 2nd graders, they automatically start conducting.  I'm pretty sure they aren't even aware of it.

19.  That really interesting 1st grader is back!  We are having a casual conversation and then he says something I couldn't hear.

"What was that?"

"Oh....nothing!"

"No, what did you say?"

"N-nothing."

"No, I don't think you said anything wrong.  Just tell me what you said."

*sheepishly looks at me*

"Hey Mr. Jarema..."

*pauses*

"...do you remember when men with earrings used to be cool?"

20.  A kindergartner hugs me.  "You smell like my dad."

21.  A kindergartner tells me, "My mom had an ear infection one time.  Her ear fell off."  I tell her that I don't think that's how it works.  "Nope, it fell off."  I look at her and ask, "So wait she doesn't have an ear?"  "No," she says, "She has both ears."  I give her another look, "So how did she get her ear back on if it fell off?"  She looks at me, dead serious, "God put it back on."

22.  Thing #1 that totally makes all of this craziness worth it:  One of the 3rd grade teachers told me that the students were working on a reading activity in her class and were like dead silent for 10 minutes.  And then out of the blue, one kid starts humming a song I taught them in music class.  Then another kid starts humming.  And another.  And before long, the whole class is spontaneously singing this song that I taught them in music class.  That kind of radiant feeling I get when I hear this kind of thing makes it all worth it.

23.  Thing #2 that totally makes all of this craziness worth it:  Spontaneous Hugs.  Elementary school kids are notorious for hugging.  I often come home and tell my wife what my average hug count of the day was (10 today?  Maybe 20?)  But what is super amazing is when they do a Spontaneous Hug.  That's when we will literally be in the middle of a music activity....like I could be midway into singing a line of music or lifting a leg in the air during some silly movement activity...and a kid will love the activity so much that they get up out of their seat, hug me, and then sit back down in their seat.  It is seriously the best.